Dear T.B.,
Okay. How does one actually go about having a relationship different from the one they grew up seeing and see everywhere around them? If we have no example, then what do we model it after? I am having a challenging time doing something different.
-Doing Different
*******
Dear Doing Different,
We hear ya. We fight everyday with this question ourselves. People think we're pretty wacked out from the way we navigate our own relationship. I think most of the time people think we're insane or write us off as just another crazy gay couple. Those gays....they do the strangest things.
But I think this may apply to you too. What's that thing Newton said? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Try taking this on as your new mantra.
1. Do the opposite. Every time you feel the need to make a decision in a relationship, whether new or old, think about the bullshit you were trained to do and do the opposite for a while.
2. Take Care of Yourself. Self care is about boundaries, limits, health, gentleness, assertiveness and introspection. Start asking yourself, "how can I care for myself even better than I already do in all areas?" That includes your finances, your body, your mental state, your spiritual well being and the friends and family you keep.
3. Seek Your Own Truth. Anyone who's ever created anything original didn't have a cookie cutter, they found their own way through trial and error. In your case it's the same. Look around you and take bits and pieces of everyone's relationships that you admire and apply those elements to your own. Some may stick, others may not, depending on your partner and where you're at in your life at that moment.
Doing this work on your own is lonely. As you know, a lot of your own friends and family are just a bunch of lemmings. Seek like minded people who will support you in creating the beautiful life that is right for you, and only you. And remember to do the same for your fellow travelers.
Wishing you different,
Team Bones
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Do Right Woman, Do Right Man
Dear Team Bones,
I have been in a relationship for 5 years and have watched my partner grow so much. The love is still strong. But our lovemakin is a different story. If it happens 1-2X a month I am lucky. He has just hit 40 and I am 33. I now know what it is like for 16 year old boys, my hormones are on fire!!
He is also limited in his affection. Not a lot of nurturing......I just got a dog and a cat to have some loving connection with another creature. What is happening though!!! He says its because he does not have work that he loves and then that frustration effects his mood. I have always wanted to make love no matter what, so this is all so confusing to me. I have also always been a big cuddler unlike him.
What has kept our relationship strong is the friendship. We can talk about anything. And he is the first guy I have had in my life who hasn't violated me sexually. So that is a big part too. Its been safe. But any feedback would be great. Can a man learn to be more affectionate and amorous?
Sincerely,
Lady Blue Balled
**************
Dear Lady Blue Balled,
First we want to commend you on being so articulate about what you’re experiencing. Sorry you’re not getting laid.
You pose many questions in your post but we’ll start with the one you end with, “Can a man learn to be more affectionate and amorous?”
The answer is yes, but only if he is willing.
So, what makes a man willing? If you guys really can talk about anything, as you said, ask your man these questions, then listen quietly and patiently. Do not interrupt or rebut his answers.
1. Have you noticed how unsatisfied I’ve been with our sex life lately?
2. How does this make you feel that I’m unsatisfied?
3. I know that since the beginning of our relationship you’ve never been a “cuddler” but is that something you’d be willing to work on and change?
4. Do you want things to change as badly as I do?
5. Do you have the willingness to change our relationship and our sex life regardless of your career/work situation?
6. Outside of your work situation, what are some other reasons you can thoughtfully name as to why you aren’t interested in having sex like we used to?
7. Do you feel that I appreciate you the way you need to be appreciated?
8. Has anything about my body or personality changed to turn you off?
Very few relationships last “until death do you part.” All serve their purpose in their own time. Sounds like you’re dating your best friend and yet you’re lonely. We’re happy to hear he’s been “safe” for you considering your past relationships, but could this be why you’re scared to move on? How have those past violations affected you and him in your 5 years together?
You and your partner should sit down and talk about your future goals together. How do you see your relationship evolving over the next year? Make separate lists of where you each see yourselves one year from now. What do you want your life to look like? Make a mental vision board, or a real one if time and energy permit. What are you each doing to improve yourselves? When you strengthen yourselves first, your relationship becomes stronger.
Keep us updated on your progress!
Best,
The Bones Team
I have been in a relationship for 5 years and have watched my partner grow so much. The love is still strong. But our lovemakin is a different story. If it happens 1-2X a month I am lucky. He has just hit 40 and I am 33. I now know what it is like for 16 year old boys, my hormones are on fire!!
He is also limited in his affection. Not a lot of nurturing......I just got a dog and a cat to have some loving connection with another creature. What is happening though!!! He says its because he does not have work that he loves and then that frustration effects his mood. I have always wanted to make love no matter what, so this is all so confusing to me. I have also always been a big cuddler unlike him.
What has kept our relationship strong is the friendship. We can talk about anything. And he is the first guy I have had in my life who hasn't violated me sexually. So that is a big part too. Its been safe. But any feedback would be great. Can a man learn to be more affectionate and amorous?
Sincerely,
Lady Blue Balled
**************
Dear Lady Blue Balled,
First we want to commend you on being so articulate about what you’re experiencing. Sorry you’re not getting laid.
You pose many questions in your post but we’ll start with the one you end with, “Can a man learn to be more affectionate and amorous?”
The answer is yes, but only if he is willing.
So, what makes a man willing? If you guys really can talk about anything, as you said, ask your man these questions, then listen quietly and patiently. Do not interrupt or rebut his answers.
1. Have you noticed how unsatisfied I’ve been with our sex life lately?
2. How does this make you feel that I’m unsatisfied?
3. I know that since the beginning of our relationship you’ve never been a “cuddler” but is that something you’d be willing to work on and change?
4. Do you want things to change as badly as I do?
5. Do you have the willingness to change our relationship and our sex life regardless of your career/work situation?
6. Outside of your work situation, what are some other reasons you can thoughtfully name as to why you aren’t interested in having sex like we used to?
7. Do you feel that I appreciate you the way you need to be appreciated?
8. Has anything about my body or personality changed to turn you off?
Very few relationships last “until death do you part.” All serve their purpose in their own time. Sounds like you’re dating your best friend and yet you’re lonely. We’re happy to hear he’s been “safe” for you considering your past relationships, but could this be why you’re scared to move on? How have those past violations affected you and him in your 5 years together?
You and your partner should sit down and talk about your future goals together. How do you see your relationship evolving over the next year? Make separate lists of where you each see yourselves one year from now. What do you want your life to look like? Make a mental vision board, or a real one if time and energy permit. What are you each doing to improve yourselves? When you strengthen yourselves first, your relationship becomes stronger.
Keep us updated on your progress!
Best,
The Bones Team
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Dance Dance Revolution Will Not Be Televised
Dear Bones and Co.,
My boyfriend and I went to a great party last weekend. One of the best parts was playing Guitar Hero. My boyfriend was great at it, and now he wants to get Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution. We live together (he moved into my place about 3 months ago), and are minimally TV-centric; we have an old set that we keep stashed in a closet. In order to get the games, I think we'd have to get a new set, and possibly keep it in the living room. Don't get me wrong, I love the DDR, but I'm worried about how much it will cost, and how much it will change our relationship with TV, which, I am the first to admit, can become addictive to me.
Sincerely,
Thrifty Luddite Lady
*******
Dear Thrifty Luddite Lady,
We understand your TV concern. TVs suck the life out of any room you put them in. Even when off, people tend to stare at them. We also understand that the joy of any relationship is in giving to your partner, that which will make him/her happy.
If the truth is, you are a TV addict and you can't stand how you personally behave around TV, you need to deal with this, and never use your addiction to stifle or control others.
Time for a win-win technology summit. Make a time to meet to discuss the POSSIBILITY of the purchase of a new TV as well as the other crap you are thinking of. Start the meeting by saying to each other, "I want you to come away from this meeting feeling completely satisfied by our agreements, if not today, at another meeting. I want you to always feel satisfied and fulfilled in everything we do together."
1. Agree that you will talk only about the issue at hand, which in this case is the possibility of buying a new TV and the other doodads. Agree not to bring up old business like the time he left his socks on the dining room table, or how you like to have things your way.
2. Take turns sharing with each other all that you want for the other. This could be anything - successful career, wonderful toys, wheat free desserts, etc. The speaker expresses wishes in complete sentences, the listener shuts the hell up and says only, "Thank you" after each statement. This is key. If you fuck it up at this stage, you're going to fuck it up later.
3. Take turns stating how you want your lives to look with a TV. Speak only in the positive in this round. Again, speaker shares, listener says only "Thank you."
4. Then take turns whining about what you fear the most if you were to get a new TV. Once again, speaker shares, listener says only "Thank you." DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SOLVE PROBLEMS. This is a listening exercise.
You might try and ask each other these questions too, in case you're at a loss.
5. Return to the beginning and remind yourselves that you want to create a win-win situation - that is, a situation in which both of you are satisfied with the results as well as what you'd each be sacrificing to achieve them. Remind each other that since this is about both of your happiness, you are doing this HAPPILY and WILLINGLY and LOVINGLY. If the conversation starts to move away from this track, take a break or agree to pick it up another time in a similar, formalized setting.
6. Now it's time for problem solving. This is the time for quid pro quo. Take turns restating your fears. The listener says thanks, I understand and makes an offer that both parties discuss and eventually, happily agree to. Do this until you are both satisfied. Since talk of money and perhaps redecoration will be involved, you'll want to go easy on each other. Part of your agreement might include consequences if one or both parties fail to live up to its end of the deal. Don't spend all day doing this, you'll exhaust yourselves. Keep it light. Keep it brief and to the point.
7. Recess. If you both feel that you can't resolve it in one meeting, as we suggested earlier, take an amicable break until the next summit. If neither of you is fully satisfied at the end of the following meeting, or series of meetings, then break up as soon as possible. You clearly don't have what it takes to be happy together.
8. Close the meeting with a heartfelt thanks. To some that could be a long hug, to others, it's time in the sling. Do whatever makes you both happy.
This isn't brain surgery, this is about working to make each other happy.
With love,
Team Bones
My boyfriend and I went to a great party last weekend. One of the best parts was playing Guitar Hero. My boyfriend was great at it, and now he wants to get Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution. We live together (he moved into my place about 3 months ago), and are minimally TV-centric; we have an old set that we keep stashed in a closet. In order to get the games, I think we'd have to get a new set, and possibly keep it in the living room. Don't get me wrong, I love the DDR, but I'm worried about how much it will cost, and how much it will change our relationship with TV, which, I am the first to admit, can become addictive to me.
Sincerely,
Thrifty Luddite Lady
*******
Dear Thrifty Luddite Lady,
We understand your TV concern. TVs suck the life out of any room you put them in. Even when off, people tend to stare at them. We also understand that the joy of any relationship is in giving to your partner, that which will make him/her happy.
If the truth is, you are a TV addict and you can't stand how you personally behave around TV, you need to deal with this, and never use your addiction to stifle or control others.
Time for a win-win technology summit. Make a time to meet to discuss the POSSIBILITY of the purchase of a new TV as well as the other crap you are thinking of. Start the meeting by saying to each other, "I want you to come away from this meeting feeling completely satisfied by our agreements, if not today, at another meeting. I want you to always feel satisfied and fulfilled in everything we do together."
1. Agree that you will talk only about the issue at hand, which in this case is the possibility of buying a new TV and the other doodads. Agree not to bring up old business like the time he left his socks on the dining room table, or how you like to have things your way.
2. Take turns sharing with each other all that you want for the other. This could be anything - successful career, wonderful toys, wheat free desserts, etc. The speaker expresses wishes in complete sentences, the listener shuts the hell up and says only, "Thank you" after each statement. This is key. If you fuck it up at this stage, you're going to fuck it up later.
3. Take turns stating how you want your lives to look with a TV. Speak only in the positive in this round. Again, speaker shares, listener says only "Thank you."
4. Then take turns whining about what you fear the most if you were to get a new TV. Once again, speaker shares, listener says only "Thank you." DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SOLVE PROBLEMS. This is a listening exercise.
You might try and ask each other these questions too, in case you're at a loss.
- Are you willing to put limits on how much Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero will be used?
- Will this bring quality enjoyment to our partnership and our lives?
- Will this be a distraction? If so, how much?
- Are there things that we will avoid with one another because of DDR and GH?
- Are we willing to be honest with one another when we’re annoyed with the other person playing too much?
- Are we willing to truly listen and let down our defenses when the other person is annoyed at our usage?
- What are the financial costs to this? Who’s paying and how will it be split?
- Will there be resentment if someone is playing more than the other? If it’s equally split financially, will Thrifty Luddite Lady be resentful because she was the one with the reservations about buying it in the first place?
5. Return to the beginning and remind yourselves that you want to create a win-win situation - that is, a situation in which both of you are satisfied with the results as well as what you'd each be sacrificing to achieve them. Remind each other that since this is about both of your happiness, you are doing this HAPPILY and WILLINGLY and LOVINGLY. If the conversation starts to move away from this track, take a break or agree to pick it up another time in a similar, formalized setting.
6. Now it's time for problem solving. This is the time for quid pro quo. Take turns restating your fears. The listener says thanks, I understand and makes an offer that both parties discuss and eventually, happily agree to. Do this until you are both satisfied. Since talk of money and perhaps redecoration will be involved, you'll want to go easy on each other. Part of your agreement might include consequences if one or both parties fail to live up to its end of the deal. Don't spend all day doing this, you'll exhaust yourselves. Keep it light. Keep it brief and to the point.
7. Recess. If you both feel that you can't resolve it in one meeting, as we suggested earlier, take an amicable break until the next summit. If neither of you is fully satisfied at the end of the following meeting, or series of meetings, then break up as soon as possible. You clearly don't have what it takes to be happy together.
8. Close the meeting with a heartfelt thanks. To some that could be a long hug, to others, it's time in the sling. Do whatever makes you both happy.
This isn't brain surgery, this is about working to make each other happy.
With love,
Team Bones
Monday, March 9, 2009
Love Me or Leave Him
Dear Team Bones,
I am in a relationship with a man who finds it very difficult to show his affection emotionally and physically. He has had quite a difficult background and has been quite a loner most of his life. There is a lot about him that I find attractive he is very motivated and is very passionate about some of the same things that I am. But I do struggle as I never really see how he feels for me. He doesn't really ask me how I am, and rarely initiates touch. We have only been together a couple of months but before that had been good friends for over a year. We have talked about these differences between us, and came up with some ideas to make them easier. It does feel better between us, and he has been a bit more forthcoming. But I can't help longing sometimes just for him to hold me or to really listen to where I am. I care about him, and I don't doubt that he cares about me,but sometimes I find it hard to remember that. I guess I don't know how long to keep trying and whether I will ever be able to accept that this is just his way, or whether he can shift enough to meet me. How can we move forward with this?
With love,
Banshee
*****
Dear Banshee,
We cannot change anyone, ever. We must accept everyone as-is. This is a fundamental rule when dealing with any person. There are things we like, things we love and things we can't stand about every person we know, and our feelings about these are only amplified when we apply them to someone with whom we are intimately involved. With all people, and especially with significant others, we cannot cherry pick the parts we like and leave the rest. What you can do is identify what is important to you.
Team Bones suggests, for your situation, that you think long and hard about the things that are most important to you in a partnership. List them in order of priority. You may find that affection and touch are essential to you - and rightly so. It's also perfectly fine that this new guy you are seeing isn't demonstrative, but you may find that you are not willing to wait for him to come around. There may be items on your list that you are willing to compromise on, perhaps have patience with, and this may not be one of them.
Obviously, making a list doesn't portend all of your desires will be met; you must not expect any list to have such power. An expectation of this magnitude sets the other person up for failure, and it sets you up for disappointment. What this list can do is help you clarify what you desire most in a person/relationship. After you've made your list of what you want in your partner then take some time and make an equally long list of what you are willing to give to him (or her). We can't have a laundry list of things we expect from our partners if we don't even know what we are ourselves are willing to give. Wanting is easy, giving is sometimes the challenge.
Furthermore, we'd challenge you to take a look at your previous relationships. Do you consistently find yourself in relationships in which your partner isn't affectionate? If so, why do you think you continually seek out men who can't give you what you need from the get go? If this hasn't been an issue in the past, we'd challenge you to ask yourself why it's come up now? Could this be an example of self-sabotage? Are you perhaps purposefully seeking what you know won't be fulfilling? Could it be that you're afraid to go after what you know will be fulfilling?
Best to you,
Team Bones
I am in a relationship with a man who finds it very difficult to show his affection emotionally and physically. He has had quite a difficult background and has been quite a loner most of his life. There is a lot about him that I find attractive he is very motivated and is very passionate about some of the same things that I am. But I do struggle as I never really see how he feels for me. He doesn't really ask me how I am, and rarely initiates touch. We have only been together a couple of months but before that had been good friends for over a year. We have talked about these differences between us, and came up with some ideas to make them easier. It does feel better between us, and he has been a bit more forthcoming. But I can't help longing sometimes just for him to hold me or to really listen to where I am. I care about him, and I don't doubt that he cares about me,but sometimes I find it hard to remember that. I guess I don't know how long to keep trying and whether I will ever be able to accept that this is just his way, or whether he can shift enough to meet me. How can we move forward with this?
With love,
Banshee
*****
Dear Banshee,
We cannot change anyone, ever. We must accept everyone as-is. This is a fundamental rule when dealing with any person. There are things we like, things we love and things we can't stand about every person we know, and our feelings about these are only amplified when we apply them to someone with whom we are intimately involved. With all people, and especially with significant others, we cannot cherry pick the parts we like and leave the rest. What you can do is identify what is important to you.
Team Bones suggests, for your situation, that you think long and hard about the things that are most important to you in a partnership. List them in order of priority. You may find that affection and touch are essential to you - and rightly so. It's also perfectly fine that this new guy you are seeing isn't demonstrative, but you may find that you are not willing to wait for him to come around. There may be items on your list that you are willing to compromise on, perhaps have patience with, and this may not be one of them.
Obviously, making a list doesn't portend all of your desires will be met; you must not expect any list to have such power. An expectation of this magnitude sets the other person up for failure, and it sets you up for disappointment. What this list can do is help you clarify what you desire most in a person/relationship. After you've made your list of what you want in your partner then take some time and make an equally long list of what you are willing to give to him (or her). We can't have a laundry list of things we expect from our partners if we don't even know what we are ourselves are willing to give. Wanting is easy, giving is sometimes the challenge.
Furthermore, we'd challenge you to take a look at your previous relationships. Do you consistently find yourself in relationships in which your partner isn't affectionate? If so, why do you think you continually seek out men who can't give you what you need from the get go? If this hasn't been an issue in the past, we'd challenge you to ask yourself why it's come up now? Could this be an example of self-sabotage? Are you perhaps purposefully seeking what you know won't be fulfilling? Could it be that you're afraid to go after what you know will be fulfilling?
Best to you,
Team Bones
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Bird in the Hand
Dear Straight Talk,
My question is a good one from a straight friend that I was hanging out with last night that he asked me. He's on eHarmony, went out on a couple dates with a girl and hasn't heard back from her but has five other girls lined up. What should he tell those girls that are waiting and how much longer should he hold out for the girl with whom he just went on two dates?
Sincerely,
Friend of Breeder
******
Dear Friend of Breeder and Breeder,
Very good question, and a quandary that many of us face in dating, job searches, house hunting, etc. We mistakenly believe that just because we have entertained a possibility, it will develop in the way we expect. Dating is just like going on job interviews. Your friend got a second interview. Only the girl knows if she'll call him back and when. There is no reason, other than a love for useless pining away to wait for her to call. And also, he can call her and get rejected, or be surprised that she says, sure I'll meet you again. It doesn't matter at this stage. There are 6 billion people on the planet, she's not special in the grand scheme.
We are all so caught up in finding "the one" that it distracts us from seeing everything and everyone else around us. It's as if we're standing around with a clipboard and a check list in some hurry to "settle down." If that isn't the most boring thing in the world we don't know what is. It's cliche, but relationships are about the journey. You can't be on eHarmony (and you shouldn't be anyway, cause they are homophobic and don't allow same sex couples on their website) hoping to find that one person who will fulfill all your needs. Maybe dating those 5 other women you have "lined up" will help to show you exactly what needs you actually need met and what you're willing to give someone else. When you're getting to know someone you don't reveal everything about yourself in the first 2 hours you know them, do you? There's no need to tell them you've been on a second date with another woman, who has yet to call you back, but you're hoping she does. We'll venture to guess these 5 other women are in the same situation.
The point of dating is that you spend time with many different people. It's a way to practice your social skills, hone your listening ability, express your generosity. Keep dating. If she calls, keep dating others until such time that you and that girl decide to make it exclusive.
My question is a good one from a straight friend that I was hanging out with last night that he asked me. He's on eHarmony, went out on a couple dates with a girl and hasn't heard back from her but has five other girls lined up. What should he tell those girls that are waiting and how much longer should he hold out for the girl with whom he just went on two dates?
Sincerely,
Friend of Breeder
******
Dear Friend of Breeder and Breeder,
Very good question, and a quandary that many of us face in dating, job searches, house hunting, etc. We mistakenly believe that just because we have entertained a possibility, it will develop in the way we expect. Dating is just like going on job interviews. Your friend got a second interview. Only the girl knows if she'll call him back and when. There is no reason, other than a love for useless pining away to wait for her to call. And also, he can call her and get rejected, or be surprised that she says, sure I'll meet you again. It doesn't matter at this stage. There are 6 billion people on the planet, she's not special in the grand scheme.
We are all so caught up in finding "the one" that it distracts us from seeing everything and everyone else around us. It's as if we're standing around with a clipboard and a check list in some hurry to "settle down." If that isn't the most boring thing in the world we don't know what is. It's cliche, but relationships are about the journey. You can't be on eHarmony (and you shouldn't be anyway, cause they are homophobic and don't allow same sex couples on their website) hoping to find that one person who will fulfill all your needs. Maybe dating those 5 other women you have "lined up" will help to show you exactly what needs you actually need met and what you're willing to give someone else. When you're getting to know someone you don't reveal everything about yourself in the first 2 hours you know them, do you? There's no need to tell them you've been on a second date with another woman, who has yet to call you back, but you're hoping she does. We'll venture to guess these 5 other women are in the same situation.
The point of dating is that you spend time with many different people. It's a way to practice your social skills, hone your listening ability, express your generosity. Keep dating. If she calls, keep dating others until such time that you and that girl decide to make it exclusive.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Help Us Help Yourself
Hello people who may be entering a relationship or have been in one for a long time,
Team Bones wants to hear from you. As you may know, Team Bones is writing a book about relationships and we'd like to hear straight from the horse's mouth what's been going on in your partnerships. Send in your relationship questions (it can be anything, don't be afraid, but try to make it something that really happened or is happening currently) and we'll answer them here. We talk to a lot of people in relationships or who do a lot of dating (we call those "mini-relationships") but sometimes we forget what some of the biggest issues between you and your significant others are.
Think hard about an issue that has come up between you and a current partner or a past partner and pose it as a question to us in the comments section, which only we will see, and we'll answer them. Send us your email address too so we can let you know when we've posted our response.
Thanks for helping us continue our journey in writing "Straight Talk."
-E & Y
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