Love Me or Leave Him

Dear Team Bones,

I am in a relationship with a man who finds it very difficult to show his affection emotionally and physically. He has had quite a difficult background and has been quite a loner most of his life. There is a lot about him that I find attractive he is very motivated and is very passionate about some of the same things that I am. But I do struggle as I never really see how he feels for me. He doesn't really ask me how I am, and rarely initiates touch. We have only been together a couple of months but before that had been good friends for over a year. We have talked about these differences between us, and came up with some ideas to make them easier. It does feel better between us, and he has been a bit more forthcoming. But I can't help longing sometimes just for him to hold me or to really listen to where I am. I care about him, and I don't doubt that he cares about me,but sometimes I find it hard to remember that. I guess I don't know how long to keep trying and whether I will ever be able to accept that this is just his way, or whether he can shift enough to meet me. How can we move forward with this?

With love,

Banshee

*****

Dear Banshee,

We cannot change anyone, ever. We must accept everyone as-is. This is a fundamental rule when dealing with any person. There are things we like, things we love and things we can't stand about every person we know, and our feelings about these are only amplified when we apply them to someone with whom we are intimately involved. With all people, and especially with significant others, we cannot cherry pick the parts we like and leave the rest. What you can do is identify what is important to you.

Team Bones suggests, for your situation, that you think long and hard about the things that are most important to you in a partnership. List them in order of priority. You may find that affection and touch are essential to you - and rightly so. It's also perfectly fine that this new guy you are seeing isn't demonstrative, but you may find that you are not willing to wait for him to come around. There may be items on your list that you are willing to compromise on, perhaps have patience with, and this may not be one of them.

Obviously, making a list doesn't portend all of your desires will be met; you must not expect any list to have such power. An expectation of this magnitude sets the other person up for failure, and it sets you up for disappointment. What this list can do is help you clarify what you desire most in a person/relationship. After you've made your list of what you want in your partner then take some time and make an equally long list of what you are willing to give to him (or her). We can't have a laundry list of things we expect from our partners if we don't even know what we are ourselves are willing to give. Wanting is easy, giving is sometimes the challenge.

Furthermore, we'd challenge you to take a look at your previous relationships. Do you consistently find yourself in relationships in which your partner isn't affectionate? If so, why do you think you continually seek out men who can't give you what you need from the get go? If this hasn't been an issue in the past, we'd challenge you to ask yourself why it's come up now? Could this be an example of self-sabotage? Are you perhaps purposefully seeking what you know won't be fulfilling? Could it be that you're afraid to go after what you know will be fulfilling?

Best to you,

Team Bones