Dear T.B.,
Okay. How does one actually go about having a relationship different from the one they grew up seeing and see everywhere around them? If we have no example, then what do we model it after? I am having a challenging time doing something different.
-Doing Different
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Dear Doing Different,
We hear ya. We fight everyday with this question ourselves. People think we're pretty wacked out from the way we navigate our own relationship. I think most of the time people think we're insane or write us off as just another crazy gay couple. Those gays....they do the strangest things.
But I think this may apply to you too. What's that thing Newton said? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Try taking this on as your new mantra.
1. Do the opposite. Every time you feel the need to make a decision in a relationship, whether new or old, think about the bullshit you were trained to do and do the opposite for a while.
2. Take Care of Yourself. Self care is about boundaries, limits, health, gentleness, assertiveness and introspection. Start asking yourself, "how can I care for myself even better than I already do in all areas?" That includes your finances, your body, your mental state, your spiritual well being and the friends and family you keep.
3. Seek Your Own Truth. Anyone who's ever created anything original didn't have a cookie cutter, they found their own way through trial and error. In your case it's the same. Look around you and take bits and pieces of everyone's relationships that you admire and apply those elements to your own. Some may stick, others may not, depending on your partner and where you're at in your life at that moment.
Doing this work on your own is lonely. As you know, a lot of your own friends and family are just a bunch of lemmings. Seek like minded people who will support you in creating the beautiful life that is right for you, and only you. And remember to do the same for your fellow travelers.
Wishing you different,
Team Bones
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