My boyfriend and I went to a great party last weekend. One of the best parts was playing Guitar Hero. My boyfriend was great at it, and now he wants to get Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution. We live together (he moved into my place about 3 months ago), and are minimally TV-centric; we have an old set that we keep stashed in a closet. In order to get the games, I think we'd have to get a new set, and possibly keep it in the living room. Don't get me wrong, I love the DDR, but I'm worried about how much it will cost, and how much it will change our relationship with TV, which, I am the first to admit, can become addictive to me.
Sincerely,
Thrifty Luddite Lady
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Dear Thrifty Luddite Lady,
We understand your TV concern. TVs suck the life out of any room you put them in. Even when off, people tend to stare at them. We also understand that the joy of any relationship is in giving to your partner, that which will make him/her happy.
If the truth is, you are a TV addict and you can't stand how you personally behave around TV, you need to deal with this, and never use your addiction to stifle or control others.
Time for a win-win technology summit. Make a time to meet to discuss the POSSIBILITY of the purchase of a new TV as well as the other crap you are thinking of. Start the meeting by saying to each other, "I want you to come away from this meeting feeling completely satisfied by our agreements, if not today, at another meeting. I want you to always feel satisfied and fulfilled in everything we do together."
1. Agree that you will talk only about the issue at hand, which in this case is the possibility of buying a new TV and the other doodads. Agree not to bring up old business like the time he left his socks on the dining room table, or how you like to have things your way.
2. Take turns sharing with each other all that you want for the other. This could be anything - successful career, wonderful toys, wheat free desserts, etc. The speaker expresses wishes in complete sentences, the listener shuts the hell up and says only, "Thank you" after each statement. This is key. If you fuck it up at this stage, you're going to fuck it up later.
3. Take turns stating how you want your lives to look with a TV. Speak only in the positive in this round. Again, speaker shares, listener says only "Thank you."
4. Then take turns whining about what you fear the most if you were to get a new TV. Once again, speaker shares, listener says only "Thank you." DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SOLVE PROBLEMS. This is a listening exercise.
You might try and ask each other these questions too, in case you're at a loss.
- Are you willing to put limits on how much Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero will be used?
- Will this bring quality enjoyment to our partnership and our lives?
- Will this be a distraction? If so, how much?
- Are there things that we will avoid with one another because of DDR and GH?
- Are we willing to be honest with one another when we’re annoyed with the other person playing too much?
- Are we willing to truly listen and let down our defenses when the other person is annoyed at our usage?
- What are the financial costs to this? Who’s paying and how will it be split?
- Will there be resentment if someone is playing more than the other? If it’s equally split financially, will Thrifty Luddite Lady be resentful because she was the one with the reservations about buying it in the first place?
5. Return to the beginning and remind yourselves that you want to create a win-win situation - that is, a situation in which both of you are satisfied with the results as well as what you'd each be sacrificing to achieve them. Remind each other that since this is about both of your happiness, you are doing this HAPPILY and WILLINGLY and LOVINGLY. If the conversation starts to move away from this track, take a break or agree to pick it up another time in a similar, formalized setting.
6. Now it's time for problem solving. This is the time for quid pro quo. Take turns restating your fears. The listener says thanks, I understand and makes an offer that both parties discuss and eventually, happily agree to. Do this until you are both satisfied. Since talk of money and perhaps redecoration will be involved, you'll want to go easy on each other. Part of your agreement might include consequences if one or both parties fail to live up to its end of the deal. Don't spend all day doing this, you'll exhaust yourselves. Keep it light. Keep it brief and to the point.
7. Recess. If you both feel that you can't resolve it in one meeting, as we suggested earlier, take an amicable break until the next summit. If neither of you is fully satisfied at the end of the following meeting, or series of meetings, then break up as soon as possible. You clearly don't have what it takes to be happy together.
8. Close the meeting with a heartfelt thanks. To some that could be a long hug, to others, it's time in the sling. Do whatever makes you both happy.
This isn't brain surgery, this is about working to make each other happy.
With love,
Team Bones
2 comments:
Great advice Team Bones! So can we apply all the following steps to conceiving a child also?
Absolutely, the key though in conceiving is that the partners should take alternate turns thrusting in bursts of eight while the other writes haiku about the experience. Works every time.
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