Do Right Woman, Do Right Man

Dear Team Bones,

I have been in a relationship for 5 years and have watched my partner grow so much. The love is still strong. But our lovemakin is a different story. If it happens 1-2X a month I am lucky. He has just hit 40 and I am 33. I now know what it is like for 16 year old boys, my hormones are on fire!!

He is also limited in his affection. Not a lot of nurturing......I just got a dog and a cat to have some loving connection with another creature. What is happening though!!! He says its because he does not have work that he loves and then that frustration effects his mood. I have always wanted to make love no matter what, so this is all so confusing to me. I have also always been a big cuddler unlike him.

What has kept our relationship strong is the friendship. We can talk about anything. And he is the first guy I have had in my life who hasn't violated me sexually. So that is a big part too. Its been safe. But any feedback would be great. Can a man learn to be more affectionate and amorous?

Sincerely,

Lady Blue Balled

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Dear Lady Blue Balled,

First we want to commend you on being so articulate about what you’re experiencing. Sorry you’re not getting laid.

You pose many questions in your post but we’ll start with the one you end with, “Can a man learn to be more affectionate and amorous?”

The answer is yes, but only if he is willing.

So, what makes a man willing? If you guys really can talk about anything, as you said, ask your man these questions, then listen quietly and patiently. Do not interrupt or rebut his answers.

1. Have you noticed how unsatisfied I’ve been with our sex life lately?
2. How does this make you feel that I’m unsatisfied?
3. I know that since the beginning of our relationship you’ve never been a “cuddler” but is that something you’d be willing to work on and change?
4. Do you want things to change as badly as I do?
5. Do you have the willingness to change our relationship and our sex life regardless of your career/work situation?
6. Outside of your work situation, what are some other reasons you can thoughtfully name as to why you aren’t interested in having sex like we used to?
7. Do you feel that I appreciate you the way you need to be appreciated?
8. Has anything about my body or personality changed to turn you off?


Very few relationships last “until death do you part.” All serve their purpose in their own time. Sounds like you’re dating your best friend and yet you’re lonely. We’re happy to hear he’s been “safe” for you considering your past relationships, but could this be why you’re scared to move on? How have those past violations affected you and him in your 5 years together?

You and your partner should sit down and talk about your future goals together. How do you see your relationship evolving over the next year? Make separate lists of where you each see yourselves one year from now. What do you want your life to look like? Make a mental vision board, or a real one if time and energy permit. What are you each doing to improve yourselves? When you strengthen yourselves first, your relationship becomes stronger.

Keep us updated on your progress!

Best,

The Bones Team